So far I have emailed my travel agent five times.
1- Can you please book my ticket for the 12th April.
2- Wait, can you make that the 15th?
3- Wait, I'm having second thoughts, can you not book my ticket at all?
4- Yes ok, I've decided for real, book it for the 15th.
5- No, wait, I'm not sure again. Can you hold off again?
This is what I am affectionately calling the the 'to-ing and fro-ing'. This here, is a confession, because So far I have only confessed this string of emails to one person. I feel so resolute, each time I decide I am coming home, and then something makes me change my mind.
The first time it was on Friday. I was out at a pub on my own, and I had had about 2 pints of beer. I sat at a dodgy bar talking to the bartender. I told her I was going home in a couple of weeks and I began to explain why. As I became more and more intoxicated, I became less sure. Suddenly I thought 'I am making a huge mistake. I called Ellie, very close to a panic attack.
The next day, after having told my travel agent to hold off on booking the flight, I felt ok again. I was back to wanting to go home, and felt sure. I pushed any silly ideas about regret and mistakes and wasting my life out of my head, and went back to my email, told my travel agent yes, ok, get me back on the plane.
The second time I told my travel agent to hold off, was about 30 minutes ago. Following an email I got from my job agency. They are interested in interviewing me for an event management position in their office. I got the email and went straight into panic mode again. Back on the phone to Ellie I again struggled with the idea that I am making a huge mistake. I could stay here.
So much of me wants to go home.
So much of me doesn't.
How does a person make that decision?
I know that everyone has an opinion. I know that only I can decide. I know that the practicalities of staying are becoming very obvious - if I do not get some paid work in the next couple of weeks I have no other option than to come home. I know that if I come home I will always have that bit of me that wonders whether maybe I should have stayed.
I don't know what to do. So much of me wants to be here and so much of me wants to be home, feels like I have done so much and experienced so much. There are things and people at home that I don't want to be away from anymore, I don't want to wait for anymore.
This is becoming a very hard decision, one that I really thought I had already made.
1- Can you please book my ticket for the 12th April.
2- Wait, can you make that the 15th?
3- Wait, I'm having second thoughts, can you not book my ticket at all?
4- Yes ok, I've decided for real, book it for the 15th.
5- No, wait, I'm not sure again. Can you hold off again?
This is what I am affectionately calling the the 'to-ing and fro-ing'. This here, is a confession, because So far I have only confessed this string of emails to one person. I feel so resolute, each time I decide I am coming home, and then something makes me change my mind.
The first time it was on Friday. I was out at a pub on my own, and I had had about 2 pints of beer. I sat at a dodgy bar talking to the bartender. I told her I was going home in a couple of weeks and I began to explain why. As I became more and more intoxicated, I became less sure. Suddenly I thought 'I am making a huge mistake. I called Ellie, very close to a panic attack.
The next day, after having told my travel agent to hold off on booking the flight, I felt ok again. I was back to wanting to go home, and felt sure. I pushed any silly ideas about regret and mistakes and wasting my life out of my head, and went back to my email, told my travel agent yes, ok, get me back on the plane.
The second time I told my travel agent to hold off, was about 30 minutes ago. Following an email I got from my job agency. They are interested in interviewing me for an event management position in their office. I got the email and went straight into panic mode again. Back on the phone to Ellie I again struggled with the idea that I am making a huge mistake. I could stay here.
So much of me wants to go home.
So much of me doesn't.
How does a person make that decision?
I know that everyone has an opinion. I know that only I can decide. I know that the practicalities of staying are becoming very obvious - if I do not get some paid work in the next couple of weeks I have no other option than to come home. I know that if I come home I will always have that bit of me that wonders whether maybe I should have stayed.
I don't know what to do. So much of me wants to be here and so much of me wants to be home, feels like I have done so much and experienced so much. There are things and people at home that I don't want to be away from anymore, I don't want to wait for anymore.
This is becoming a very hard decision, one that I really thought I had already made.
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