Isaac Hanson and me.

Being in a country where barely anyone speaks English is scary. France was one thing, because I know enough discombobulated French to at least get through the day. Spain... Well, I know how to say "hola" and "hombre"... oh, and "paella". Beyond that, I know zero Spanish. To add to the scariness of the last two days, I have been on a bit of a down. I have felt vulnerable and alone here, and that is hard.

Recently, a lot of irritating things have been happening. Things that are trying to ruin my life changing and wonderful travel experience, things that are trying to bring me down, make me cry, make me homesick, make me forget why I am here. Don't get me wrong, I am still loving it. I am just struggling to love it all the time.

Because I spend so much time alone, with myself, I have been having a lot of strange thought-trains. There is one that made me actually laugh out loud of the street today, so I am going to share it with you.

....from now on, I will call everything irritating that happens to fuck up my day, "Isaac".... why Isaac? well obviously because Isaac was the name of the eldest and least pretty Hanson brother, and he was irritating... 

It made sense while I was thinking it. 

My Isaacs in the last week have been plentiful. The theft of my beloved iPhone, the loss of my favourite Zara cardigan, falling over and hurting both of my knees (which not only hurts, but is also incredibly unfashionable), becoming completely lost in Barcelona, not being able to withdraw any cash because of a bank error, not being able to speak a word of Spanish, crying on the side of the road at 9am and having a Hanson song in my head for at least four hours today after randomly thinking about Isaac Hanson. 

After all the Isaacs in my last week or so, I suppose it's ok for me have those moments of feeling completely defeated, alone and small. I do know that this is all a part of the experience, and I did expect this. It is part of learning to be by myself, learning to be ok when things don't go to plan. 

My first instinct is still to call my mum when I feel like things are falling apart. I don't know whether this is necessarily something I want to change, because I love being close to my mum, and I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for help when you need it. But I do want to have more confidence in myself when things are hard. I want to be able to know that I can handle things on my own as well. 

It's all about balance (and I'm sure Isaac would agree). Growing up, learning to be a confident and happy adult. Travelling the world is hard and it is scary, but I am learning so much, and that is why I came, and that is why I will keep on crying and falling over, and calling mum, until I figure out how to be all balanced and zen (like the rest of you grown ups).

ahhhh so zen right now. 

Tomorrow I am going to try to buy a cheap camera. Then I am going on a bus tour, and seeing some beautiful Barcelona. Today I ate amazing Paella with seafood that tasted like it jumped straight out of the sea and into my rice. Slow going but lovely, that's the Spanish way I believe. 

xxxoxxx